Still waiting to see red. The cramping and pressure in my lower abdominals continues and I have every reason to believe the worst.
I have reached my limit and decided to call the doctor and to ease my anxiety luckily they took me earlier then my schedule apt.
My appointments are alway super early in the morning between 6-8am. This mornings apt was 7:30 am. I couldn’t rest the night before so I was up early and left the house at 6:45 for 1/2 hour drive. Since it was Saturday I made it there in 25 minutes and arrived at 7:15. The clinic is located in the basement of the main building however you wouldn’t know you were under ground. One erie trait of the building is that you walk down this narrow hallway to enter the main office of the facility. The walk brings me PTSD of my endless monitoring apts and my most recent IVF fail. The walk feels like the never ending rejection of months of trying to conceive and I want nothing more to do but run out of the building to never return. The team of doctors and nurses are amazing, nurturing souls here at the clinic and have done their best to guide me through this process as delicately as they could. But with all the rejection and pain you have no other way to think but failure and fails where you honestly just become numb and used to it. I’m here to hear the worst, ready for it and preparing to try again. The apt is quick they see my ovaries are ok and really can’t tell me much until they run my blood work. I leave already knowing the result and will know for sure in a few hours. As we are getting ready to board the train to the city they call. I’m ready to hear “sorry” but what I do hear is “congratulations”. Your HCG is 158, keep doing what your doing and we’ll check your blood again Monday.” I have to pinch myself and ask “I’m pregnant?” I truly felt I wasn’t and was so so deep in my compulsive thoughts of negativity I couldn’t believe it. You seem to know nothing more then the worst news and pretty much expect it. For this moment I’ll shut up and feel this good news for once.
My poor body is so so stressed.
My body is bloated and swollen. My uterus is cramping stretching pulling. I feel the urge for my body to have my period, but as each day passes it intensifies. Cramping bloating I’m so uncomfortable. Yesterday I spotted brown several times, cried and felt this chance was over so I’m patiently waiting and checking for the bright red. My tolerance for pain is high so I can’t tell if I’m experiencing intense cramping pain or not. The progesterone has made me emotional, depressed and pessimistic. I feel that it’s over, my body doesn’t feel right. I’m in my head trying to compare to Lia’s pregnancy 3 years ago. I wish I could ease this anxiety. But trying to relax is so so far away.
Failure 2?
It’s late, almost 3am and I hear the rain and wind from
outside. I’m cramping and have been for hours now, cramping in my lower abdomen. It’s doesn’t feel right, I’m hot anxious and nervous a similar feeling of the days before my period. I don’t know how to feel. My assumption is to be disappointed, devastated, and heart broken. But I still don’t know the results. It’s only 5 days since the transfer, but I think I know my body enough to feel this isn’t right. Yet my little bit of hope still wants to hold on to the positive. My progesterone shot sites I believe are feeling ok, maybe getting used to the pain and suffering it brings. But I also need to understand I’m on estrogen and progesterone that is very unfamiliar to me, so I have no idea what to expect. Yesterdays I thought I was nauseous, similar to pregnancy but that is also a wishful thought. I want this child so eagerly I’m pushing it away. I wish I could accept that maybe it’s just not in the cards right now for me. The first cycle I was naive, and oblivious. I felt if I was seeking help for infertility it was going to work, Then I got my period a week exactly after the frozen transfer and my heart fell to the floor. Head in hands crying of rejection, a feeling I have felt over and over for the past 15 months of negative pregnancy tests. I want this more for my daughter then anyone, she deserves a sibling, we deserve to expand our family. All women deserve to be parents if they want to, it’s a profound experience that alters your soul. Why does the universe keep that at a far for some and a hands reach for others? We’ll never know, everyone’s experience is different. I felt I saw the number 555 consistently before the first transfer and now consistently. My intuition says it’s a sign of change but I want to feel a change for the better but this cramping makes me think otherwise. I’ll keep you all posted in the next few days.
My journey with IVF
My daughter Lia is a blessing. Her birth and her presence we were and are so very lucky to experience. But like all humans we yearn for more, we yearn for challenges, we desire and we greatly want, especially eager for the experinces that are not delivered easily. In all respect we desire to give Lia a sibling and this challenge has become for of a long term obstacle then the simple pee on a stick result.
When Lia turned 1 in 2020 we knew right away we would try for another child and if it happened it happened. We were lucky with her in all honesty we weren’t even trying (which is probably the solution) and here she was easily made. Her pregnancy wasn’t easy though constant nausea, with the great pleasure of gestational diabetes alone. Along with major life changes of moving into our first home and a major operation for my husband. In all respect my life is a constant path or hills and mountains to climb but I was used to it. But nothing, nothing prepared me for what I have experienced these past few months and I hope i can continue to nurture myself to keep climbing.
So here we are now Lia now 2 and a half years old. We tried for 10 months with ovulations and app tracking before we decided to finally contact a fertility clinic.
It took a 9 months wait to start from my first session with the doctor. Unfortunately the clinic experienced a major flood at the end of the summer setting all treatment of IUI’s on hold for 4-6 months. In that frustrating waiting time where time is already essential I discussed jumping right into IVF.
