And then….

Still waiting to see red. The cramping and pressure in my lower abdominals continues and I have every reason to believe the worst.
I have reached my limit and decided to call the doctor and to ease my anxiety luckily they took me earlier then my schedule apt.
My appointments are alway super early in the morning between 6-8am. This mornings apt was 7:30 am. I couldn’t rest the night before so I was up early and left the house at 6:45 for 1/2 hour drive. Since it was Saturday I made it there in 25 minutes and arrived at 7:15. The clinic is located in the basement of the main building however you wouldn’t know you were under ground. One erie trait of the building is that you walk down this narrow hallway to enter the main office of the facility. The walk brings me PTSD of my endless monitoring apts and my most recent IVF fail. The walk feels like the never ending rejection of months of trying to conceive and I want nothing more to do but run out of the building to never return. The team of doctors and nurses are amazing, nurturing souls here at the clinic and have done their best to guide me through this process as delicately as they could. But with all the rejection and pain you have no other way to think but failure and fails where you honestly just become numb and used to it. I’m here to hear the worst, ready for it and preparing to try again. The apt is quick they see my ovaries are ok and really can’t tell me much until they run my blood work. I leave already knowing the result and will know for sure in a few hours. As we are getting ready to board the train to the city they call. I’m ready to hear “sorry” but what I do hear is “congratulations”. Your HCG is 158, keep doing what your doing and we’ll check your blood again Monday.” I have to pinch myself and ask “I’m pregnant?” I truly felt I wasn’t and was so so deep in my compulsive thoughts of negativity I couldn’t believe it. You seem to know nothing more then the worst news and pretty much expect it. For this moment I’ll shut up and feel this good news for once.