It’s late, almost 3am and I hear the rain and wind from

outside. I’m cramping and have been for hours now, cramping in my lower abdomen. It’s doesn’t feel right, I’m hot anxious and nervous a similar feeling of the days before my period. I don’t know how to feel. My assumption is to be disappointed, devastated, and heart broken. But I still don’t know the results. It’s only 5 days since the transfer, but I think I know my body enough to feel this isn’t right. Yet my little bit of hope still wants to hold on to the positive. My progesterone shot sites I believe are feeling ok, maybe getting used to the pain and suffering it brings. But I also need to understand I’m on estrogen and progesterone that is very unfamiliar to me, so I have no idea what to expect. Yesterdays I thought I was nauseous, similar to pregnancy but that is also a wishful thought. I want this child so eagerly I’m pushing it away. I wish I could accept that maybe it’s just not in the cards right now for me. The first cycle I was naive, and oblivious. I felt if I was seeking help for infertility it was going to work, Then I got my period a week exactly after the frozen transfer and my heart fell to the floor. Head in hands crying of rejection, a feeling I have felt over and over for the past 15 months of negative pregnancy tests. I want this more for my daughter then anyone, she deserves a sibling, we deserve to expand our family. All women deserve to be parents if they want to, it’s a profound experience that alters your soul. Why does the universe keep that at a far for some and a hands reach for others? We’ll never know, everyone’s experience is different. I felt I saw the number 555 consistently before the first transfer and now consistently. My intuition says it’s a sign of change but I want to feel a change for the better but this cramping makes me think otherwise. I’ll keep you all posted in the next few days.